Blind Date

Have you ever been on a blind date? I only ask because I thought the practice was slowly phased out with the advent of modern technology. Now it’s practically impossible to be set up with someone who hasn’t already peeked at your mutual friends, liked your profile picture and “poked” you on Facebook, or trended you on #Twitter. And when we expose practically everything about ourselves on the Internet, from our activities and interests to our favorite quotes… then there’s really no such thing as a “blind date” anymore, is there? I once had an English teacher who met her husband on Match.com. Before their first actual date, she had a friend at the local police force run a background check on him. Parking tickets. Former jobs. Places of residence. I’d say if anything, she went into that first date knowing more about her date (and future spouse) than most people do by their six-month anniversary. Poor guy.

But, to my surprise, blind dates still happen. Which leads to my next question: Have you ever been on a successful blind date? When my friend from the basketball team and WNBA draft pick (#kindofabigdeal) and I decided to go to trivia night at a local bar last week, we accidentally crashed her sister’s train wreck of a blind date with a nice, quiet boy from the suburbs named Spencer. While we answered trivia questions about the world’s largest sapphire and Madonna’s book collection, the unmistakable “disaster date” dragged on at a small table in the corner. Spencer was hardly remarkable. He likes to run (for charity, presumably). He works in logistics (what does that even mean?), and he loves his dogs (one of which happens to be both blind and deaf). Unfortunately, the excitement of Spencer started and ended with a riveting conversation about the relationship between the handicapped dog and the normal dog. There was no chemistry between him and the basketball player’s sister. And the date finally ended with her saying she was “too afraid to take public transportation after 10 PM” and they scurried off without an exchange of phone numbers.

So this whole experience got me thinking... How many people have found themselves in a terribly uncomfortable situation such as this one? Practically everyone has been on a horrible date at some point in his or her life. Somebody that just makes you want to run out of the bar as fast as humanly possible. (For me, it was a guitar-playing, exotic-beer-drinking, philosophy major who kept mentioning that “music was his true passion.” Gag me.) Of course there are two right ways to end an awful date: be honest about the lack of attraction and end the date early or grit your teeth and tough it out. But where’s the fun in that? I think it’s much more exciting to run the lifeless date further into the ground. That’s why I bring you this:

Ten creative ways to get out of that way-too-long date with that way-too-wrong person that are guaranteed to make you laugh when you tell your friends about it the next morning.

1. Start talking about current events and let it slip that you don't see the big deal about this whole "oil spill thing"

2. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

3. Mention your quest to be on reality television. When your date asks what show you’d like to be on, say “Either ‘Teen Mom’ or ‘The Biggest Loser’ … depending on how this date goes” And then wink.

4. Discuss the dietary trends, bowel movements, and activity patterns of your cats. All 12 of them.

5. Talk about how prison really changed your life. And not for the better.

6. Bring up your list of most-inspirational people: Elle Woods (from Legally Blonde), Regina George (from Mean Girls), and Snookie (from Jersey Shore). (This one works especially well if you are a guy)

7. Stand up every five minutes and circle the restaurant with your arms outstretched, making airplane noises.

8. Debate any hot-button issue: politics, healthcare, religion. Take both sides.

9. Mention that you also actively maintain a profile on the dating site Meet-Christian-Singles.net … even though you are agnostic.

10. Undress your date. Verbally. Preferably loudly, and in public.

In case you were wondering, we got last place in trivia. Who would’ve thought that the Petrified Forest was in Arizona, not Wyoming. Next time we’re going to make the Director of Basketball Operations come with us.

P.S. Hope you enjoy the new layout. I think I finally found a picture that captures my point of view. Ha. Ha. Ha?